Acceptance

I just want to run away for a while. Be someone else somewhere else. Escape from mediocre me and all of my responsibility. If I could leave my physical pain behind for a while, or just get others to understand it that would be nice. To not have my “friends” roll there eyes when they read a post like this. I’m tired of people telling me I am a strong single mom, because I’m not, and it doesn’t have shit to do with my faith or the lack there of. I’m fucking tired. Beat down, wore down, pitiful excuse for a human being…because it never fails that the moment I think I am making progress there is someone who supposedly cares there to make me feel like the tiniest piece of shit ever. I have never claimed to be anything other than mediocre at best. If you and I meet in a dating situation I would tell you this when you asked what I was good at or what my talents were. I have none! I lost the ability to sing years ago and it was average when it was good. I am miserable housekeeper; average cook; I sew, but not every well; everything I do I pretty much flop at. I have a good heart and I can carry on a conversation and I am kinda pretty and love fiercely and I am so tired of that not being enough. Being accepted for more than a while would be nice. Until then, I want to run away for a while. Pretend to be something I’m not. Make those I meet along the way fall in love with someone who does not exist except for in that moment. For if I have any talent, this is it and I will subsist on the love  of those moments until I find those  who will simply accept me.

One word that can make you want to punch a man in the face

I had been dating someone and he would call me baby. The way he did it made me want to drop my panties on the spot. I found this so odd. Some men do it and it makes you cringe, others it is sweet and endearing. So like in all things I had to message a friend about this to see if I was alone in this.

Me

Why is it that when some men call you baby it’s a total turn off and others it’s totally fucking hot…and I mean men that you are dating….seems weird….some guys say and it creeps me out, others it’s causes more of a bed me now reaction..

J

Ummm….great question because you’re so right on about it!

Me

I just don’t get it

Cuz some guys say it and you want to punch them

J

Bad.

And then run.

Like it makes u literally ill.

Me

lol, yep

 

I can only assume that it has to do with underlying attraction and animal magnetism. My current fella says “baby” and I want to curl up into his arms and stay there forever, or until I need to pee. Which seems to be the best reaction. Sorry for the sappy. That is just where I am right now. I know; it’s revolting! Anyway, it isn’t just me!

Soulmates

This made me cry this morning. I have had two people come into my life recently that have really helped me see myself. Just in being who they are…I have had a few in my life. Some were romantic relationships, others were not. Sometimes they stay in your life for years, sometimes for a moment. But you know who they are because they change you in a radical way. You feel your own love resonating  within, and you are changed forever.

soul mate

 

 

I’ve been away for so long

I’m not certain why I abandoned this project nearly a year ago. Probably had to do with my teen aged psychopath of a daughter, and major depression that followed some of her serious behavior. I believe that 15 is the age that all children lose their ever loving minds. I believe this because my son is now 15, a complete idiot, and determined to engage in activities that will get him killed or get him time in juvenile detention. And it’s stupid crap, not stuff fun enough or bad enough to be worth the damn risk. I tried to prepare them for this. I tried to explain what was going to happen to their little brains during puberty.

“When you enter puberty your hormones are going to go crazy and your frontal lobe is going to barely function at all. The frontal lobe is where logical/rational thought processes take place, yours will become retarded for a while. This is why teenagers are too stupid to date.”

“Are you saying we are stupid? Mom, I can’t believe you. We aren’t retarded.”

“It isn’t your fault, all teenagers go through this. You are going to think I am a complete moron; you will be full of emotion; an you will be mad about everything…or in love…or full of contempt…but whatever it is it will be strong, and without good reason and it will consume you and this is why teenagers are too stupid to date. It’s ok, you should grow out of it and it doesn’t mean that you are any less. It’s part of being a teenager.”

“Oh my God, Mom, why do you talk to us like this?”

“Because I want you to know why you hate me when it’s time and I want to be able to look at you and say, Do you remember when I said you would be retarded for a while? This is what I meant!”

I really thought this conversation would help.

I was wrong.

For anyone about to get mad that I used the “R” word, I have a severely mentally disabled child and this is an appropriate use of a medical term.

Dating Hell–somehow I think this will be the title of so very many posts.

Why the hell is it that when you meet a good guy (not nice, good) there is no spark on your side of it? Why is it that the guy who can cope with your level of crazy, your stress, you kids (and even likes them, a lot) has no appeal.

Now, I am aware that I was recently falling head over heels for someone who apparently has too much stuff going on in their own life to pursue something even though they are interested. I don’t hold it against him. It hurts, I am someone you can lean on. Anyway, they don’t have it in them, I don’t feel I can afford to sit and wait to see if things would work out. But I know that feeling. I know when I have met someone that I’m going to fall hard for and that was going on. Maybe that is why I’m not feeling the spark for the new good guy…

I find dating horribly confusing. Somehow ass holes suck many of us in. Good guys seem to repel us a bit. It all makes me feel a bit insane.

Ladies:You Better Get Your Chair!

Ladies:You Better Get Your Chair!.

via Ladies:You Better Get Your Chair!.

 

Here is my response:

While I always try to make things as equitable I have to ask, do you want to get laid at some point or not? Let’s say I meet two different men. I have great chemistry with both of them. They have similar backgrounds, experiences, etc. One pays for nights out, opens doors, pulls out my chair, helps me with my coat, etc. the other doesn’t. I can tell you who I’d be spending my time with. The thing is, that kind of chivalry, breeds a reciprocal environment. I’m not saying she will hop in the sack right off because you were on good behavior, women are lying if they say that it doesn’t earn a man points. (See pastor Mark Gungor’s youtube video, How to stay married and not kill anybody. He goes into how women give “points” and he’s right, if you are christian or not.)

As far as equality playing into it, if we actually had equality it might be a different story. It has been 148 years since we ended slavery and 143 years since black men got the right to vote and we certainly don’t have equality in that arena, it has only been 93 years since women earned the right to vote. Anyone who thinks we have somehow created equality is kidding themselves. We have created the illusion of access to equality.

Back to the topic of dating, keep the first few dates inexpensive. Go do stuff that gives you the opportunity to interact in the world. Make the meal and take it along for the second date (not on the first though, we don’t know if you are trying to poison us, by the second date we are far more trusting). There are usually plenty of clues letting you know if the woman is taking advantage or not. Pay attention and cut the rotten ones loose.

how can i explain commas to god

I am currently under the impression that God doesn’t understand the comma. When I asked God for someone to sleep next to me at night, help around the house, love me, make love to me, be my partner etc He interpreted that as: Someone to sleep next to me at night. Someone to help around the house. Someone to love me. Someone to make love to me. Someone to be my partner. He seems to have missed that I wanted this all in one person, not individual qualities in a series of people. I still trying to figure out how to convey all of this to the big guy…I’m a bit concerned that he just has a twisted sense of humor. He did give me someone to sleep net to.

I realized this last night as my youngest child once again had their knees, elbow, head planted firmly in my kidneys throughout the night. At one point I woke up and I had been forced over t the point that we were sideways in the bed. As I lay there I was trying to go back to sleep and rationalize NOT pushing the child, oops, onto the floor. I decide to see if I gained anything from this situation.

I’m warmer. The kid is a little furnace. I am always an ice-cube. I totally take advantage of my child’s ability to keep me a few degrees warmer. This child is also not a good sleeper. I benefit by this kid sleeping through the night. Further explanation here is warranted. My youngest child is disabled. This child has autism and is nonverbal. When I say this helps them sleep through the night I really mean I don’t have to clean up as many messes in the morning and I don’t have to worry about this child escaping the house and trotting down the middle of the highway in the middle of the night as much. I don’t have to worry about this kid “feeding” the animals in our home in the middle of the night…I really do benefit a great deal.

However, when I actually try to get up in the morning my kidneys are so sore it’s not a fair trade.

when is it ok?

Ok, I’ve been on my own for almost 10 years so CLEARLY I need some help here ;-). When in the dating procedure is it ok to tell a guy you want them? (Yes, It is a procedure. It is a painful series of steps that you have to get just right…and I never do.) Common sense tells me that men are happy to hear that a woman wants to have sex with them at any point, but if it is too early on does it give the wrong impression? I went with sometime after you are having sex. I can’t help but think that if the timing isn’t just so it may be a relationship killer.

Now, I have absolutely no quantifiable evidence of this. It just seems that it’s something that falls into the realm of men’s double standard peculiarities. I would love for men to comment on this. (I will tally it up and not do statistical analysis on it…just for fun.)

living alone

I’m sitting here, a bit horny and two glasses of wine in, and I’m thinking I’ve been living alone for almost 10 years. Now, I’ve stayed over at my boyfriend’s house here and there; and he here occasionally (when I have had one).  For the most part I feel that I have missed out on nightly nookie (or at least the potential access to it) and cuddling for 10 years.

I hear women who say they are just fine being single, and I am to a point. I think it’s utter B.S. though that they don’t miss having someone next to them night after night. Maybe some women really would rather have a separate bedrooms from their hubbies or live-ins. I did hate sleeping next to my ex husband, but he was mean and would elbow me out of bed. I “get” not wanting to sleep next to something like that. For me, at least 1/4 of the desire for a relationship is having someone next to you at night, even when they aren’t in the mood for cuddling or nookie.

I absolutely crave touch. I think we all do. I miss a hand on the waist as he walks past and other small touches in passing. Sleeping next to a partner though, that is a drug for me. That has probably kept me in a bad relationship or two longer than it should have. Even if it was sporadic, knowing that later in the week I could curl up next to him. Give me a man who truly cuddles, holy crap! I’m an idiot. My blood pressure drops ridiculously low and I would do just about anything for a man who really knows how to cuddle.

So you crazy women, who go on and on about how it’s easier to be on your own, go ahead and be alone. That just leaves me with more options!